[Punch collapses, red sawdust flowing from his chest. Note: it should be stressed that Punch *is* to be played a live actor.]
[Curtain closes.]
[Curtain remains closed for an uncomfortably long period of time - to be chosen by the cast. They are encouraged to talk among themselves in the meantime, loudly, and to speak out of character and/or ad-lib some “plot” that will receive no follow-up in the rest of the play.]
Curtain: Beeeeeeelch.
[Cast, now covered in slime, is to spewed out in front of the curtain as if vomited there. Punch is still “bleeding” and continues to do so for about the next three minutes. The cast rise, then begin slowly, then quickly and loudly clapping. Punch and Judy then yank the curtain back open, revealing a scene where everything seems to have moved ten feet to the left, including the fireplace - I mentioned the fireplace, right? - above which rests a gilded machete. Above that is gilded lettering, spelling out “C H E K O V.”]
Chipmunk (in a rich, velvety tenor, muffled frequently by bites out of the giant Subway sandwich):
If it is but a donor of sperm that you need,
Why not let your donor see release?
Why not see your kind donor freed?
Let them out to see the woooooooooorld!
Judy (in a chocolatey bass): Why?
Chipmunk: Why not?
Judy: No - I mean - why?
Why?
Why are you not dead, Punch?
What must I do to make you die?
Punch: Nothing!
Nothing!
You need do nothing!
For I am now undead, as sure as unalive!
You verily have killed me, but truly I’ve survived!
Yes I’m a - Zombie!
Urinal: Zombie!
Leaf (falsetto): Zombie!
Judy: You cannot be a zombie!
Chipmunk: Zombie!
Lemmy: PANTRO BACK!!
Punch: Zombie!
Judy: Because there are no zombies!
[Judy’s Ballad begins - note for composers: this will be track one on the soundtrack. Yes, I want a soundtrack.]
I... once lived in a world with the supernatural
Thought that it was only natural
There was a world beyond the world
But then I grew beyond those childish days
Turned an adult, dropped my childish ways
There are babies to feed, dishes to wash,
Duties to perform - [frustrated, sotto voce] there’s no time for this hogwash...
Urinal: Zombie!
Judy: I saw my friends were different and they wanted to believe!
Chipmunk: Vam - pire - Zombie!
Judy: And it wasn’t just themselves, oh no they wanted to deceive, me!
Punch and Lemmy in bromantic unison: Werewolf... Goblin... Zombie!
Judy: But I will not believe!
Oh no I won’t believe!
You can’t make me believe!
And so you’ll never leave!
Because you are not a zombie, you are dead!
Punch: Oh dear - my only heart - I’ll lose my head!
But do not fret I still will win your bread!
For I shall not listen to my friend!
Judy: Your rhymes are very lazy, and I swear I’ll make you dead
So don’t let your liveliness go to your stupid head!
Say...
Remaining cast in unison: Say...
Judy: That gives me an idea...
RCIU: That gives her an idea...
Judy: Surely he can’t survive if...
Punch: I’m right here you know...
Lemmy [staring wild-eyed and disconcertingly into the audience]: PANTRO BACK!!
RCIU: Surely he can’t survive if...
Judy: [Spoken, quickly] I cut his head off!
[At this, Judy walks to the fireplace as slowly as her previous words were quick. She then calmly lifts the machete out of its mount, weighs it a little in her hands, and begins walking towards Punch.]
Punch: I’m still right here, you know...
Judy: I know. That’s the whole point.
Punch: You really have me on edge here...
Judy: Oh. A sharp wit you have.
[Judy rushes at Punch, ready to cut off his head, when suddenly THE GODDESS ISIS materializes.]
ISIS: I won’t let you do that, honey.
[Curtain closes.]
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