Be for Boredom

"No human man, woman, or child may know that. It is our rule."

"The superstitious shit I have to put up with for what I want to d--OW!"

"I'm so sorry. But I think you want this. You wouldn't believe me if I told you, so you will have to live it. There is no going back. But I think you always wanted this."

"This?"

"Immortality. With a... little inconvenience. You're going to need it. It will, however, be boring."

"Boring?"

"Of course immortality is boring! Be for boredom, or be for death. Be for boredom for a billion years."

"What are you talking about?"

"They're all going to die. It will be boring for a while after that."

"They?"

"They. People."

"Well of course we're all going to die."

"They're all going to die. You're not. Not anymore. Apologies again for not asking your permission, but you're a driven man. You would say yes anyway. Just as I would have, had I been asked."

"You don't talk like you sing, Glenn."

"I sing like I wish I could talk."

"Right. Anyway, of course they're all going to die."

"Yes, but this time they're all going to die at once."

"Nuclear war?"

"Our masters' boredom... but it's all right. Be for boredom."

The Quantum Changelings

"Dear Jens,      1/12/54
 . . In regards to our previous conversation, you mustn't misunderstand. The others, Alfred and Maxwell included, are against your plan. It's far too risky. And the implications, my God.  Please do not proceed without meeting with us. Remember what happened to Kirchoff when he got that hairbrained idea.  The size of the medium matters.  You can't bend the spokes, old friend.  Quantum travel might work in theory, but it isn't the same as light waves, Jens.  You must see this.  Please call or at least send me a telegram to let me know your current location. I pray I reach you in time. 

Your friend,
Huygens"

Joe Eawest crumpled up the letter and looked at Danzig.

 . . "Where is he?"

Glenn stared at his boot.

 . . "Where's Jens, Glenn?"

Hobby Musicians

Lemmy was drunk.

Lemmy sat on a sleazy barstool, the kind with red vinyl that had ripped open many moons ago and been duct taped together.  He was too intoxicated to remember where he was, but could see the tour manager Mickie across the room playing pool, so was mostly unconcerned.  In the distance he could hear video games.  Dee Snider sat next to him at the bar, occasionally checking in on him with a sideways glance, and then turning back to the conversation with the fellow to the right of Dee at the bar,  Ozzy Osbourne.  

     "We're not gonna take it," Dee continued, "I wanna rock."

To this Ozzy shrugged, frowning, and made a short reverse-snort noise while trying to hold in the huge pull he'd just taken off the joint that was going round the bar.  After blowing out an enormous amount of smoke for almost a whole minute, Osbourne coughed for ten seconds and spoke.

     "Oh no, please God help me.  Where can you run to?  No more tomorrow.  When I first met you, I didn't realize.  I say, goodbye to romance.  No more tears.  Can you talk to the dead?  But that's how it goes." 

Dee smiled.  Out of nowhere, Lemmy and Dave Brock (sitting to the left of Lemmy) began singing very drunkenly:

"Dream about the things that could have come before.  The way things are going the end is about to fall!  We took a wrong step years ago! We took a wrong step years ago!"

Dee leaned in to Ozzy, and cupping his hands around his mouth to shout over the Hawkwindish nonsense, yelled 
"Nothing escapes his gaze.  A flick of steel, a flash of light.  You know you're not going home tonight."
Ozzy flinched. "What, no, Dee, man.  I'm not drunk!  I can toootally drive, man.  But seriously, I just saw the old man from Monopoly, you know, the guy with the MONOCLE!  He just walked out of here carrying a case of Ramen." he slurred.
The bartender finally tired of the loudness and kicked out of the bar Akira Takasaki and Munetaka Higuchi.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the rockers at the bar, nearby in the adjacent store was a duel of sorts.  

Jose was still on the floor with his eyes closed, weeping.  

Pennywise the Clown sat next to Joe.  They both sat up against a painted cinder block wall;  sad, listless, hands on their knees, posture poor.  Both were looking at a panel on the wall with sharp, laserlike focus, waiting, waiting...   An old upright arcade game sat blinking in the corner.  It made a random noise and Pennywise jumped, looked around, and got up off the floor. 

"That's it then.  Lemtata was right." the clown muttered.

"Coitus Citronella, Randomicus Verbotus." Joe declared.

Pennywise suddenly screeched "RAAAAAAWRRR!!" and lunged at the panel, bashing it with his fists, which were morphing into metal crab claws and tearing into the panel.  

Intermezzo with Cream, Please

"Yeah, no, we were just, I mean - man, you don't even know what it's like to not even get used for three installments. Like we were just, there, and then like not there, you know what I mean?" rambled Lemmy kvetchingly, sticking another hot dog over the fire.

"You have got to be kidding. Of course I know what it's like!" moaned Danzig. "And they're always like, 'well I forgot where I was going with Danzig' this, and 'man we should just reboot' that!" He pulled another nostalgia-filled 1970's Ohio marshmallow out of a late-space-age-plastic bag and popped it into his mouth. "Awm ish jush sro umfair!" Gulp. "And I'm not greedy. I can handle you being the star, oh, that's no problem," he stressed, nodding at Joe Eawest. "You have my full support."

"I could even handle that emo-ass other-me twerp!" cried Original Universe Joe©. "I could! I really could! If he just... I mean... aaaaargh!!! This is like fuckin' molasses, man!"

A local hedgehog that had been wandering by began an interpretive dance. Joe put on flame-resistant gloves, positioned his beat-up guitar over the fire, and began playing a song to justify the hedgehog's motions while hoping fruitlessly that its sturdy construction would begin to burn. The hedgehog's dance seemed to be expressing the hedgehog's disappointment over the new season of Thundercats. After a few lyricless minutes, the three human bonfire-mates felt compelled to improv some lyrics for it.

Lemmy sang,
"When Billy Pilgrim rode the coaster,
Did I stop and baste the toaster,
Did I ever love you once,
Upon a rhyme?"

Original Universe Joe© sang,
"On the edge of time,
On the edge of time,
May I have cream with that please,
Because our souls are in agony?
And-I-mean-the-last-thing-you-want-when-your-soul-is-in-agony-is-black-coffee-seriously,
On the edge of tiiiime!"

Danzig, having suddenly grown fond of voice alteration, took it up a level: he underwent mitosis, and then then Danzigs went to stand in admirable 1970s get-stoned-and-listen-to-stereo stereo-speaker positioning relative to Lemmy and Original Universe Joe©.

OUJ shouted: "One one!"

The Danzigs intoned a speaker check:
"Left."
      "Right."
"Left."
      "Right."

"Left."

      "Right."

"Left."

"One one!!" enthused OUJ.

"Left."
      "Right."
"Left."
      "Right."

"Leftleft."

      "Rightright."

"Leftleft."

This continued for a while, interspersed by an announcer's voice speaking commie. Somewhere during this, Lily Tomlin sauntered by and improv'ed, "The Chicago and Kansas concert in Boston has  been changed to the Kansas and Boston concert in Chicago. If you have tickets, keep them; they will be honored at the door."

The improv continued for a while further, and then it stopped.

Upon having been about to hear it, Billy Pilgrim briefly existed in the vicinity and shouted, "Scene 23!" before not existing again.

Uoredoms

"Sticks and stones won't break your bones, but words will ever hurt you!!" cackled Pennybags.

Joe looked on, puzzled.

"Lemtata never really loved you. She was just hanging on for your money," Pennybags continued wisely.

Joe quivered.

"You're a stinking druggie who'll never get anywhere in life!"

The putdowns went on and on.

"You're afraid of clowns because you're afraid of happiness. You can't tell reality from hallucinations. You can't handle the truth even in a hallucination. You always were hallucinating, this now is real."

Pennywisebags morphed into Jose from the neck down and continued speaking.

"You're afraid of Pennybags because you're afraid of money. You have shitty friends like me, one big bag of puke and drugdrip. You're hallucinating now, why are you running from reality? Your life is just one long stream of uoredoms. Nose in your video games, one more big addiction. Addict. You're an addict. You're always asleep, why are you azake now? Adblict."

Josewisepenny morphed into Lemtata from the neck down.

"You've fallen ameep, why aren't you even trying to wake up? Coward. Weakping. You thimple you're a psychedelic bigshot don't you, stugged to the mills with boole and pills? Half of them aren't even head rugs. Pickledins. But erben if they were, you'd smarfle I see you right between the eyes. Right. Belopeen the eyes. Your wife is just one long string of addict uoredom. Chanel. Half-track. Your layberfell is chops a sootring of uoredoms! COWARD!"

Jose had by now been long squirming on the floor screaming. Lembagwise was now a large, jello pudding, quivering copycat to Joe's quivering..

"You brook through a brass onion just to look town the sfreet! Blindard. Snarpapple! You were Amways in reapolarity and you still-life are!! Speakerdial. But you won't admit it. Grinve up! You already grave up. You'se never bive up! STOCK GIBBING UP! STORK UOREDOMS SOUP! HOP PORKING DOWN! STOP WORD WORD! I COMMAND ME! NOUNSENTENCE! ONE TWO UP! THREE GIVING FOUR! STOPFOODLYPOLLDAPPER GURGLEBLASTIIIIIING UUUUUUUUUPPP!!"

Hell - All, pure, hell on that floor.

Candy On The Edge Of Hell

Joe was busy inspecting a bag of apparently edible green army men, so Rupert Pennybags got to work.  He only had a few moments to achieve his goal.  He walked around the corner from the candy aisle to the custodial closet door by the back of the store.  Next to the door was a small panel.  To the normal customer it would have looked completely uninteresting and innocuous, an electrical or lighting panel perhaps.  But Richard U. Pennybags was no fool.  And neither was he a hologram, really.  He chuckled.  "I'm a REAL boy, Jepetto!"
Out came his ancient Tweedman multi-tool.  Snip-Snap, into the panel he went.  Twist, switch, snip-snap, this one goes there aannnd...

"What the HELL are you doin'!?" boomed Mama Brain, pursing her lips, and peering over his shoulder.

Pennybags jumped out of his skin, in a holographic way, of course.  He reeled towards Mama Brain, the pupils of his eyes suddenly red as lasers.

"Would-- you--PLEASE--be QUIET!!"  he seethed in a half whisper.  He turned back to the panel and quickly finished, snip-snap SNAP.  Panel closed, multi-tool sheathed.  He immediately, and without even acknowledging Mama Brain, briskly walked away and down the camping gear aisle.

"Mmm-Hmm.  Hey, Joe!"  Mama Brain muttered indignantly.  She turned back to the candy aisle.  She saw this:

Action Synthesizer Hero

Following Mama Brain, Joe went to the store. They went to the store, got some meat. Went to the store, something to eat. Something to eat! Something to eat! Something to eat!

Joe approached the candy aisle. A fine holographic mist, Rupert Pennybags, still as invisible and ineffectual as a half-vanquished Voldemort, approached it as well.

Joe wasn't much for sweets in general, but since he was passing by, he examined the local offerings. Like much he had seen already in the three minutes he'd spent in the store, it was strange. Most eye-catching was a chintzy-plastic bag of small wrapped candies, with the brand name ACTION SYNTHESIZER HERO splattered across it in gritty shitty ink. Joe felt like he could see it peeling and fading away as he looked. The logo looked as comicsy as its name, and Joe's entire current universe, implied. A red irregular umpteen-pointed explosostar lay behind the words, with a thick yellow border.

The candy wrappers had a Golden-age-comics vibe, with many a POW and KERBANG and a bomb or a fist.

POW! A fist leaned on Joe's chin as he was leaning in to better examine the bag.